Surrendering into My Clairvoyance & Intuition
I spent close to a decade ignoring my clairvoyance and intuition. Looking back on it now, it’s still surprising to me how much I muted myself out of fear of not being accepted. For years I forced, pushed, and inserted myself in wrong job positions, presenting myself in ways that felt inauthentic to the point where I felt it eating my soul. I convinced myself this is what others accepted— I told myself “This is how it is.” I let myself believe that being out of alignment was normal, and honestly, I also feared what alignment would be. Unfortunately, so many of us are more afraid to shine than to fade in the crowd.
I made decision after decision based on other people’s feelings, adopting them as my own. Though I definitely got numerous signals saying, “Illi what are you doing here?” I shrugged it off. My intuition was begging me to trust myself, to believe in myself, and I blatantly ignored it. I found myself falling into a depression, in anger and stubbornness. I was so stubborn, in fact, that when a dear friend of mine passed, I ignored seeing her. Here was this incredible blessing from the universe—my clairvoyance and intuition allowing me to see her while others couldn't, and I simply didn’t want it. I was upset by her transition, and I wanted her in physical form...but I also felt like I had been forced to open this door, so I stopped her from coming in. Death is not easy for anyone, but I made it harder on myself just to stop following this path of uncertainty. Now she rolls her eyes at me, and we laugh and know it had to be the way it was. She also looks so much happier now.
Without that moment, I wouldn’t have learned one of the biggest lessons in my life and asked myself the difficult questions I had been avoiding. The biggest one being, “Illi, aren’t you tired of not being you?” That's when I decided, okay—it’s time. I walked right into the unknown and uncertainty, and truly surrendered to my intuition. It was there that I had to take a real look at the limits I placed on myself, and discover the limits I allowed others to place on me. One by one, I started breaking and snapping those ideas, and to be honest, I still am. In each I found a combination of feelings like sadness and anger, but also compassion and complete gratitude. Thank you, I say, because without them I wouldn’t be here; I wouldn’t have discovered a stronger, beautiful part of myself. They taught me to hold dark, to see light and come from love, to have understanding and compassion for myself and others as well. They taught me that I am love. I am love and I am light, and everyone and everything is.
My dear amazing fierce friend, mentor, and Spiritual Teacher Dr. Deganit Nuur would tell me, “Illi, you should do readings” almost every time I saw her. I would walk away not believing in myself every time, self-doubting and convincing myself that would be too much responsibility. Everything happens for a reason, though, and her gentle encouragement helped me to see past my fear of the work and how it might expose me to the world. I finally surrendered into the work, reading books, exploring, learning more about Spiritual Practices and Healing, and finally offering sessions. I discovered that while it did expose me to the world, it also allowed me to find even more beauty in others and in life. I also pleasantly found love and acceptance from so many, the support was overwhelming and emotional.
Today, calling it a responsibility doesn’t do it justice as much as it is my purpose— it is where I feel so aligned and found. Nothing makes me happier than holding space for people, helping but also witnessing their self healing. We are all intuitive, that's a fact— it’s whether we listen to our intuition or not. Take it from someone who fought hers for so long...listening may feel scary at first, but fear will give way to complete bliss.
I love you. I see your light and with you, I know our direction is bright.
